Ups and Downs

You know how we all have ups and downs, yet we always seem to think that we have more downs than ups? Don't be humble and say "nope, I'm pretty happy." Because I think we all DO have more downs than ups. The thing is that when we have an up it is one of the best ups we have ever had. We feel so elated to know that at that precise up moment we are on top of th world while the rest are at the bottom. We enjoy seeing other suffer as long as we aren't. Once we are all suffering it's a whole other story. Take for example our economic crisis here in the U.S. Now that most of the midddle and lower class population is suffering financially, we are all interested in eachother's well-being. We all want to be stable. See, now that everyone is at a down we all want to be up, no matter the way. Let's turn the saituation around a bit, or just change perspectives. If I was filthy rich and had no care in the world involving this economic crisis I would say that I was on top of the world. Who cares if other people are suffering. As long as I am doing fine then who cares what other people are going through. I wish I was like this. Then, I would be on top of the world all the time. The reality is though that I am not rich and I am not on top of the world. As a middle class citizen I do not have the essentials to have an up. The last time I had an up was months ago and ever since then its been going downhill everyday. However; when I do experience an up I make it last. I make my up feel like a high. In todays world it is best to make the best out of everything. I know it may be hard in some situations to make it the best, but what is the use in being a grumpy meanie all the time. I admit that it is hard for me to be optimitistic but at least I try. My last blog explains how I need space and time in order to get better but through it all I try to be happy. So far I have been able to smile at least once a day. A smile a day helps keep the depression away, or at least the emo thoughts. For every up I experience, I get five downs. Not great odds but at least I get one.

Success and Failure

If there is anything that I dislike most, it is when someone tells me what to do. What is worse, is when someone tells me to keep my head up. I already know that and I do not need someone to tell me that every five minutes. I know what I need to do in order to get to my goal. One person in particular told me that I was being tempered with. That I am just being teased before I can actually get to where I needed to go. This is not something I need to hear when I am in a slight depression. If anything, that will make me feel worse. Why in the world would I want someone to tell me that soemone is teasing me because I was not able to get to my destination in my first attempt. It's hard on me already to have to suffer everyday for something that I did not deserve. Okay, so right now I sound like a spoiled brat, but this has nothing to do with what I am talking about. I was given the opportunity but it was devilishly snagged away from me. I just want some time to mope. I want to be able to have time to myself. I am not asking for sympathy or pity, I am just asking for time and space. The only thing that worries me is that I am not sure how much of it I need in order to recuperate...

New Place

It's that one place that calms me, that makes me feel renewed, that awakens me, that shows me there is something to look forward to, that kisses me in the face, that hugs my heart and shows me how to live. It's in that place where I am able to feel like myself. I do not have the daily hassles of mandatory talk with so-called friends in my place.There are no crazy famous people that cause havoc in the streets, and there is definately no one to make you do anything you don't want to do. I can disconnect myself in order to reconnect. Many don't understand why this place is so special to me, but that's what makes it so special to me. I get to go back soon, after my absence of three months. It's a breath of fresh air for me. I know that so many people have this type of getaway yet many can get to it faster than others. That's the sad part, that sometimes we are not so fortunate to have our getaways so close to us. But then if it was any closer it wouldn't be so much of a getaway now would it? I just hope that when I get there that I am able to enjoy it to the fullest extent as I did the last time. My family makes me feel so much better when I am there and they animate me to keep going further. They are my motivation to keep going back to my roots in order to succeed. They make me see the beauty that others don't. It is my place no matter how many thousands live or visit there. I am able to connect with the people, the nature, and the food! No one can take that away from me. And the best part is that My Place is not just one place but several. That is the beauty and that is My Own Getaway. I go to get away from THIS reality and turn to a new one. I just hope again that this time that the current reality won't be too harsh on me when I get back, since it always is......

Life on Mars

So what the Hell is the matter with all these fires in California? I look out my window and I see a red glow all over. My living room has a scandalous orange color looming over the couches coming in from the windows. I walk out and my nostrils burn as I take in the smell of the burning hills. Despite the fires being miles away from where I live. I comment to my brother that it looks like the end of the world. Obviously it's not but it just lookis like it. The freeways are closed, and peoples home are being destroyed. Searchdogs are being used and the winds are not helping I see ashes on the car and feel a sense of uncertainty just because I have always been scared of fires. It looks like a different world altogether. I love nature, yet this crazy fury she shows through fires is absolutely mindblowing. It's an alternate reality these fires. It's like life on Mars.

Falling

I fell hard. this time I do not know what to do. I like the feeling but I do not like where it is going. It is one of those feelings where you know what is going to happen but at the same time you have absolutely no clue what is going to happen. I dream about it, but I also dread it. I will hurt someone, but probably make two people happy. You know like killing two birds with one stone? But I do not want to kill it, I want to make it right. Is what I feel morally right, or even ethical? I am stuck in a situation in which I cannot get out. I want to scream out the feeling but whisper the reason. Is that too complicated? I want it so bad but then fear that once I get it, I will not be entirely happy knowing that I got what I want. I know that makes absolutely no sense, but it does to me. It is just that I have had everything taken away from me and I feel that having this one thing will brighten up my life. I just want THAT ONE THING. I did not do what I wanted to do, I did not get what I needed, and I did not get anything to make up for my rejection. Why can I not have this one thing. Instead I get something else. I get something that is totally bizarre and uncalled for. And the reason why I get this is because KARMA hates me and I am not in anyway deserving of anything. Screw the fact that I worked my ass off in high school, or my life in general, Life is just so damn lame. I have always been the optimistic one, but today, this week, this month is not meant for me. I have fallen so deep and I do not know if I will be able to get out and make the best. I feel like I deserve a bit of pessimism in my views.I think for a while I can be pessimistic. These feelings make me feel so horrible, yet I want it so bad. I NEED it. But I have fallen.

Sleep

SLEEP; it is the one thing that cannot be taken away. It's the one thing that everybody has, whether they be poor, rich, happy, sad, sick or healthy. It is something precious. It is not to be tampered with; yet, so many people take it for granted. Let me explain. When you sleep you enter a different world. A world that you create. A place that you can call your own reality. For some, it may scary for others it does not come often enough. SLEEP is so powerful. IT creates grand fantasies and even tumultuous nightmares. When people suffer from insomnia, it is one if the worst things that can happen. For one, the person cannot sleep. Second, the person cannot dream. Of course there are day dreams but it is not the same as SLEEP. With day dreams you do not get the relaxation of a bed and pillow; however, you do get more control over a fantasy. I think I like sleep more than i can account for. When someone sleeps it is as if they have died but are alive. It is so fascinating that something like this can happen to us. Those who do not value SLEEP are those who think that they live a life of crazy partying and do not need SLEEP. But if you think about it, SLEEP is a medicine in and of itself. When you have a headache, does not a nap sound enticing? What about when someone has the flu? The natural instinct is to SLEEP in order to recover, no? I also believe that SLEEP makes a person happy. Am it not right? do you not know of grouchy people in the morning? This is because they can no longer SLEEP and must get up for the day. I know too much SLEEP is bad for a person but it seems that you can never get enough. I hate the fact so many people probably think that i am crazy since I think this way, but that is because they have never SLEPT a real SLEEP -If that makes any sense. Maybe me posting this may make me seem a little crazy; however, it is a risk that I am willing to take.

So with that said, SLEEP well my friends, and do not underestimate the power of the the Shut Eye.

Love

LOVE is a word that is used too often. It does not have the same effect as it once used to. The word LOVE is used to lightly. I hear it everyday and I hear everywhere. I hear it when someone asks forgiveness, "I'm so sorry! You know I LOVE you." I hear it when someone is on the phone, "All right then, see you soon. I LOVE ya." I hear it when someone wants something, "You know I LOVE you right?" I hear it when someone feels their self esteem is low, "Do you really LOVE me?" I mean if you think about it, people only say that they love you because they either want something or they feel obligated to say it. What ever happened to sincerity? Why does everyone say, "I LOVE how that looks on you," "I LOVE they way they did that," "I LOVE that ___insert material good___," "I LOVE that you LOVE saying LOVE." See what I mean? I know that I am a victim of saying LOVE a lot as well. But I mean hey come on, cut the crap. If you are going to tell someone that you LOVE them, make sure you say it with meaning and with LOVE. Because seriously, how are you going to know when someone is falling for you if all they say to medio mundo is i LOVE you? I just want to know that when someone tells me those three words, "I LOVE you," that they mean it and they say it with such sincerity that i KNOW it is LOVE. And not some half ass remark that really is meant to mean, "hey you're cool, let's go to yoshinoya." Because I mean seriously, who wants that? Life is short as it is, and to be wasting your time with little remarks like that ito be wasting your life.

By the way,

I LOVE YOU.