I Love LA

Okay so my time to go back home has come. and even though i will miss this place I can truly say that i had an awesome experience. I learned to be on my own. I learned how to order for myself. To pay rent. Pay my electric bill. I learned to say no. I learned to be myself. I learned to be independent. I mean, I still have some flaws but i think i have changed in my own way while being out here. But what really hurts is that now that I have to go back home, I am starting to make more new friends and have more confidence. I never knew that I would be able to have this much confidence. I know I have much more to learn but these five months really shed some light on my life and my capabilities. I am still shy and I still get nervous that I will trip and eat shit. But I don't think I can ever change that. I now appreciate my gorgeous L.A. weather, the concerts, crazy Hollywood people, nasty Palmdale people and crazy rushed life. Here in Albuquerque is the total opposite and for me to have jumped a ship so quickly and easily really called for more independence on my part. And honestly, it took a great toll on me. Some of the people here are great but in the end I miss my fellow Angelinos and Californians. To this day, I can say that I have only seen about 8 cars with California license plates (which includes my brother and mother's cars). I had my run here and now I'm in my final lap, so i am going to make sure that i run with the most energy I can bundle and go for gold. In the end I know i will leave with more knowledge than that which I came with, and an memories to last me a lifetime. I'm sure that in time, I will return here to relive those times. But, in the meantime I think I will look forward to beaches, palm trees, traffic, and unstable weather. I LOVE L.A.!

untitled rant

Okay, I know I wanted this very badly, but now that I have it, it's not what I pictured. I worked so hard to get here. And now I am here but I miss my family so much that I want to go back home. One of my biggest fears is growing up and being alone. I never thought that living alone would be this lonesome. Yeah people tell me, well you have friends at school and your neighbors. But in reality the people here are so superficial and are not worth a dime. I cam from a place where I could make friends in a heartbeat, and here I feel like it's high school. People in college even have cliques. How juvenile and pathetic is that. I cannot stand the guys on the football team. They are so full of themselves. And all these culture clubs take pride to the next level. Granted, I can have pride too but I am not your typical spirit mascot. I am more of a music fanatic who likes to take in nature. But when you add all these protesting hippies and wannabe indie/preps/jocks, everything goes to shit.

It was my dream to be here. But what happens when your dream end up actually being a nightmare? How does someone cope with that. I know I am not in the only having this problem in the world, but I don't like to talk about my problems aloud. I cant type them or write them or text them but not talk about it because I break down and cry.

I've help it together for while now and there were so many people telling me:

"sooner or later you are just going to cry and cry." Well are you happy now? It's happening, and I don't want to be a coward and run. I want to confront the problem and if I can't solve it then at least I made the attempt. But in all honesty, I just want to go home. I miss being able to drive for a couple of minutes and being able to be with the ones I love most. Now in order to see them I have to fully plan out a trip to see them. One that is 12 hours driving or 3 hours in a plane.

I miss the weather

I miss the rush

I miss the the wet coast

I don't want to stop going to school this atmosphere outside of school is not my cup of tea. I'm getting tired of pretending that everything is great. Whenever someone asks me how it's going here I always make it seem like it was the greatest decision I ever made. And at first glance it is, but I never knew this was how it was going to go down. I can't keep holding out for something that is going to make things better. I need to act. I was never financially ready for this expedition nor was I spiritually or mentally ready for that matter.

Let's just see how this month plays out and then I will decide what I want or at least whats best for me.
I have seen many sunrises and sunsets at home, but I'm not sure how many more I can take in this place.

fear and anger

okay, so i know that I am leaving in approximately 29 days, but even though I am exponentially excited, inside I still have a crap load of fear and anger. I just don't want to admit this fear to my mother or family for that matter, because this will give them permission to try and talk me out of fulfilling my dream. This will give them leeway to put me down. And for me this only fuels me further to attain my destiny. I can't be the weak one anymore. according to my brother, he thinks I am rebelling against my mother, but this is not true. I am only zipping on my thick skin to keep me from getting hurt from any one's negativity. And the reason I feel fear is because I will be out on my own. This is not a trip where I will be back home in a couple of days, I will be there for months at a time. It WILL be hard for me, but I have to learn how to fend for myself if I ever want to survive in this wretched world. Once I am able to do this, then I know that I will be able to do anything.

And even though I have my thick skin on most of the time, this thick skin is wearing out and I don't know how much more i can take before I send everyone to Hell. This is the anger that I am speaking about, because honestly, it's getting to a point where people who aren't even my family are pissing me off, and I don't know where that is coming from. I am not bi-polar nor am I taking medication, but there are days where everything is okay and I want to say sorry to people but when I do want to do that, those very same people lash out against me. I can take hypocrisy, and I can also take ignorance. But some things I will not take are, stupidity and lies. And I will not leave California before telling these people their errors.

I put myself on the ledge for many people, but this is all changing dramatically. I will not be known as the nice girl anymore, this is how many of my problems started. I am not trying to be the attention-seeking, psychopathic, narcissistic, drama queen, like someone I know: I am simply telling everyone that I won't take any one's bullsh!t anymore. I know this blog is sounding more angry than I wanted it to sound but, I just need everyone to know this. And anyone who is feeling guilty about this is a person who knows they have done harm to me. And let me tell you this, if you are feeling guilty, well all I can tell you is that I will not be playing your game anymore and you can F*** Off! I'm done!

New Sun

I know that is has been a while since I have updated my blog. But I've been transitioning from my old life into this new one. Ever since I moved to my new "home," I have realized more things in my life. I have learned that everyone will fail you at one point in time or another. It does not matter if you have a best friend or an acquaintance, they will fail you and the only person you can rely on is yourself. I know this now, however, this does not mean I can't screw up once in a while by letting people into my life. Naturally, I am a very nice person and when someone is a happy person I feel like I can relate to that person. Okay, I used the word person too much. Anyway, if I feel that I can relate to someone then, I will accept that person, knowing that I cannot trust them. Sadly I did not have this mentality during high school, and a couple of months ago, I suffered because of this. Thankfully I actually have SOME friends that have helped me to get out of that rut and continue living. The reason why I am writing this blog is to show that person that I have moved on, and that that person should move on as well. Another revelation that I have learned is that I will not dwell on the past. I will never forget the memories but because those were some of the best memories of my life; but now that I know the truth, I cannot have a relationship with someone that hurt me astoundingly. I am not sure I can forgive you, but if it ever came down to it, I would forgive but never be associated with you again. Never in my life have I been stabbed in the back so many times by one person with the same knife. I put my life aside so that yours could be that much better. I would put my needs second so that I could see you succeed in life. but now I realize that I never got a thank you in return, but rather a slap. And it was not a slap that you see coming, but a slap that you get when someone is lurking in the dark unbeknownst to you and WHAM!, it hits so hard that not only does it hurt, but it shocks you. This is what happened to me not once but several times.

I am sorry that we never had physical closure, but I do not think that that will ever be a possibility considering what you have done. You may ask yourself what you have done, but if you do, then you are honestly the dumbest human being on the face of this earth or you are floating down the river of denial. Sadly, I know that this will not be my last run in with failed friendships.

I am done with it all. This is the last post I will make of you. All those chapters that we went through are now closed, only to be opened by my longing for good memories, but never to revive them for the future. Our chapter is now closed. Thankfully.

My sun is rising again, and it's thanks to...me actually.

Robbed

Okay, so you know how my last entry was about turning a new leaf and not letting anything bring me down...well so much for that inspiration. Yesterday, you could say was one of the worst days of my life. I know people, including myself tend to over-react and say "Ugh! today was the worst day of my entire life!", and then the next week we say exactly the same thing. But yesterday, was the worst day of my life. First I started off by being late to class. Then I forgot to turn the radio on for my dog while we were away. These sound a bit ridiculous don't they? Well, when we got home, we found my dog outside of the house and my bedroom window broken. We were robbed. They took everything. Honestly I do not care if they took my laptop, Plasma TV, Nikon D40, and jewelry but the fact that they left my dog outside in the freezing cold pisses me off. Another thing that these ridiculous retards did which grinds my gears, is that they took my deodorant, body wash and cheap wireless mouse. These fools are nut jobs. They not only came to my home and stole my electronics but they were shopping. I believe that they even pondered in taking the fabric softener and laundry detergent, since they were in my living room and not in the laundry room. I am not sad to see all these things go since I am not materialistic in any way. If anything this gives me less things to move when I move out this weekend. No I am not moving out because of the thievery; my move was already planned. However, these ignorant, low-life, immoral, gangster wanna-be's, did make me ultra mad since they took my pictures. My memory card. My personal, private, praised memories. Pictures that defined me. That showed my love for nature. Pictures which showed that my family does get along and love each other. Pictures that showed I was obsessed with taking Myspace/Facebook pictures.

I do not care if these people were worse off than me financially. I know that KARMA is a bitch and they will get theirs one hundred times over. Just like my brother said these guys fucked me in the ass, they will be fucked over worse than I ever was and without Vaseline.

You know how people are always saying well God does it for a reason, well I hope that he has a GREAT reason for this because if not then my belief in Him will end abruptly. I had started to open up once again but this was too far. I cannot keep placing my faith in someone who always lets me down. I know they say that He does it to lets us learn but what the hell am I supposed to learn something like this? To lock my doors? Because I did. To close and bolt my windows? Because I did. To keep faith in someone who will protect my house when I leave it open? Because that will not happen.

I do thank God that I am moving away from all this crap, because then maybe I will give MYSELF a better life. He has not done anything to better my life in the past three years, despite doing everything necessary to lead a better life. It's all bull.

a new leaf

Have you ever listened to a song and realized that you were wasting your time doing something else, or thinking about irrelevant things? I have. And I believe it is one the greatest feelings of liberation and revelation ever. I have not created a new post, since I felt like my world was collapsing. I mean, it was nearing Christmas and I felt emptier than a depressed Mexican eating stale left over Chinese food from the night before. (which i have done, ironically). I did not want to keep writing depressing, emotional blogs that after reading, made you feel like you also wanted to shut the world out. I was on a road trip with my mom and this is where I realized that life is more important than sitting in my room and wondering what went wrong. I understand that life threw me a curve ball, but it is hard to accept. It was a rejection that I was not willing to take. But feeling the cold Southwest wind caress my bare legs and the sun kiss my cheeks, I understood that THAT was much more important. Nature indeed helped me to open my eyes and take in the grandeur. I was listening to Coldplay while this happened. Lovers in Japan to be exact. The lyrics I will forever remember, since it was these that lifted me from the hole in which I stood.

"Lovers, keep on the road you're on
Runners, until the race is run
Soldiers, you've got to soldier on
Sometimes even right is wrong
They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day, we are gonna get out
Tonight maybe we're gonna run
Dreaming of the Osaka sun
Ohh ohh...
Dreaming of when the morning comes
They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt One day the sun will come out "


I know I have a long way to go but I do have no doubt that I will not be in the dark for long. I am taking my left turn today. I have learned to accept what has happened, but I will absolutely not smile about it. I am just eighteen years old and I feel like my world has been turned upside down more than once. Another curve ball may and will be thrown at me during this life, but I intend to swing with all my might. I have had my first strike but I am still not out of the game. My brother has helped me to feel this way. He has helped me to embrace what will come. My chapters keep getting written, but the epilogue is far away. I am simply turning over a new leaf for the New Year. Happy 2009.