untitled rant

Okay, I know I wanted this very badly, but now that I have it, it's not what I pictured. I worked so hard to get here. And now I am here but I miss my family so much that I want to go back home. One of my biggest fears is growing up and being alone. I never thought that living alone would be this lonesome. Yeah people tell me, well you have friends at school and your neighbors. But in reality the people here are so superficial and are not worth a dime. I cam from a place where I could make friends in a heartbeat, and here I feel like it's high school. People in college even have cliques. How juvenile and pathetic is that. I cannot stand the guys on the football team. They are so full of themselves. And all these culture clubs take pride to the next level. Granted, I can have pride too but I am not your typical spirit mascot. I am more of a music fanatic who likes to take in nature. But when you add all these protesting hippies and wannabe indie/preps/jocks, everything goes to shit.

It was my dream to be here. But what happens when your dream end up actually being a nightmare? How does someone cope with that. I know I am not in the only having this problem in the world, but I don't like to talk about my problems aloud. I cant type them or write them or text them but not talk about it because I break down and cry.

I've help it together for while now and there were so many people telling me:

"sooner or later you are just going to cry and cry." Well are you happy now? It's happening, and I don't want to be a coward and run. I want to confront the problem and if I can't solve it then at least I made the attempt. But in all honesty, I just want to go home. I miss being able to drive for a couple of minutes and being able to be with the ones I love most. Now in order to see them I have to fully plan out a trip to see them. One that is 12 hours driving or 3 hours in a plane.

I miss the weather

I miss the rush

I miss the the wet coast

I don't want to stop going to school this atmosphere outside of school is not my cup of tea. I'm getting tired of pretending that everything is great. Whenever someone asks me how it's going here I always make it seem like it was the greatest decision I ever made. And at first glance it is, but I never knew this was how it was going to go down. I can't keep holding out for something that is going to make things better. I need to act. I was never financially ready for this expedition nor was I spiritually or mentally ready for that matter.

Let's just see how this month plays out and then I will decide what I want or at least whats best for me.
I have seen many sunrises and sunsets at home, but I'm not sure how many more I can take in this place.