TUMBLR

The reason I haven't posted anything in a while (well, a YEAR...) is because I've been posting through my Tumblr account.

http://turtleygoodness.tumblr.com

happy blogging folks. <3

Pumpkin Pie

Yeah I know, you must be thinking, "'pumpkin pie,' did she really title her blog that?" Why yes I did! And with good reason!
My favorite season is here and with that comes the great pumpkin pie season. As well as Halloween, Thanksgiving and the changing of the leaves. Ahh, those leaves. I don't know what fascinates me so much about them, but the fact that they change for a new season is something inspirational. The trees change their leaves to prepare for what comes. And I think we should be like those trees. We are capable of changing and we are capable of preparing for the future.
I honestly, seriously, really do not know why I love Autumn so much. It's more that just the leaves changing. Everything changes. The weather changes, the smell changes, and even we change. I say we but I mean me. With all these changes I feel like the world is beckoning me to change with her. I can't be same as before. I have to find a way to be a better a person and a different person. A new season brings forth new hopes and dreams. It's not only New Year where we can make resolutions to be better. So far life has been great and I already have many expectations for this month. I bought my Halloween costume, planned the yearly bonfire for later this month and hope to be places I would previously would have never been.
Fall is usually my new years. Why are we going to go with the status quo. The whole point of that is to break away and do something different.
Oh man that pumpkin pie is calling my name. This is the only season I can fully enjoy a slice without the guilt. And every bit I take from that pie, I get closer to changing myself for the better. I get closer to happiness, and I get closer to accomplishing my goals. Fall is the time where usually everything starts and not new years in the winter. In the fall, everything changes, families get together for Thanksgiving, kids enjoy Halloween and there is just a sense of warmth and happiness despite getting close to the deadness of winter.
Wherever you are at and whatever season you like, just embrace the fall and let it change you. While you're at it, have a wonderful, generously tasteful slice of Pumpkin Pie!

Realistically

Realistically, I can't get back to my dream place until I have had a job for at least a year and saved enough funds. But, the thing is that I am desperate to go back. I've been here for 10 months now, and it's starting to hit me that I did not do everything possible to stay where I needed to be. However I have my mind set on going back to NM and I will accomplish that when I can. In the meantime I have to be content with getting my bachelors somewhere else.
I really hate living in this desert hell, and I am not used to the lifelessness of it all. True, NM is nowhere near a wannabe Los Angeles, but I felt like a different person there, & it was there that I learned how to be independent, stronger and more confident. How can I not want to go back to the place that made me into that woman? I know I don't have the funds but I do have enough want to get back there.
There are days where I want to give up on the that dream but I refuse to let that happen. I have to constantly remind myself that my goals will bring me happiness and a better life. Why would I want to give up on that? No, I must keep moving forward; and, I have to realize that Life is tough and there will be days when I want to give up on everything. However, it is up to me and only me to place all that negativity into a bottle and chuck into the ocean and hope it never flows back to shore. I have learned to be more patient and take it one day at a time rather than having a whole week attack me. I am not sure when I will accomplish my dream yet again, but the reality that I have accomplished it before lets me have exponential hope for the future. Aside from all this I have become a more positive person, and I so eternally grateful to all the people who helped me to cope. I know I may not show it, but rest assured I know who those people are.
The point that I am trying to make is that over time, it gets easier to cope and patience is something that can either make you or break you. So far this whole waiting period has made me stronger. Don't think that because you didn't get what you wanted in the first place, it's never going to happen- rather, think that because you haven't gotten what you want YET time has given you an opportunity to prepare for it.

I Love LA

Okay so my time to go back home has come. and even though i will miss this place I can truly say that i had an awesome experience. I learned to be on my own. I learned how to order for myself. To pay rent. Pay my electric bill. I learned to say no. I learned to be myself. I learned to be independent. I mean, I still have some flaws but i think i have changed in my own way while being out here. But what really hurts is that now that I have to go back home, I am starting to make more new friends and have more confidence. I never knew that I would be able to have this much confidence. I know I have much more to learn but these five months really shed some light on my life and my capabilities. I am still shy and I still get nervous that I will trip and eat shit. But I don't think I can ever change that. I now appreciate my gorgeous L.A. weather, the concerts, crazy Hollywood people, nasty Palmdale people and crazy rushed life. Here in Albuquerque is the total opposite and for me to have jumped a ship so quickly and easily really called for more independence on my part. And honestly, it took a great toll on me. Some of the people here are great but in the end I miss my fellow Angelinos and Californians. To this day, I can say that I have only seen about 8 cars with California license plates (which includes my brother and mother's cars). I had my run here and now I'm in my final lap, so i am going to make sure that i run with the most energy I can bundle and go for gold. In the end I know i will leave with more knowledge than that which I came with, and an memories to last me a lifetime. I'm sure that in time, I will return here to relive those times. But, in the meantime I think I will look forward to beaches, palm trees, traffic, and unstable weather. I LOVE L.A.!

untitled rant

Okay, I know I wanted this very badly, but now that I have it, it's not what I pictured. I worked so hard to get here. And now I am here but I miss my family so much that I want to go back home. One of my biggest fears is growing up and being alone. I never thought that living alone would be this lonesome. Yeah people tell me, well you have friends at school and your neighbors. But in reality the people here are so superficial and are not worth a dime. I cam from a place where I could make friends in a heartbeat, and here I feel like it's high school. People in college even have cliques. How juvenile and pathetic is that. I cannot stand the guys on the football team. They are so full of themselves. And all these culture clubs take pride to the next level. Granted, I can have pride too but I am not your typical spirit mascot. I am more of a music fanatic who likes to take in nature. But when you add all these protesting hippies and wannabe indie/preps/jocks, everything goes to shit.

It was my dream to be here. But what happens when your dream end up actually being a nightmare? How does someone cope with that. I know I am not in the only having this problem in the world, but I don't like to talk about my problems aloud. I cant type them or write them or text them but not talk about it because I break down and cry.

I've help it together for while now and there were so many people telling me:

"sooner or later you are just going to cry and cry." Well are you happy now? It's happening, and I don't want to be a coward and run. I want to confront the problem and if I can't solve it then at least I made the attempt. But in all honesty, I just want to go home. I miss being able to drive for a couple of minutes and being able to be with the ones I love most. Now in order to see them I have to fully plan out a trip to see them. One that is 12 hours driving or 3 hours in a plane.

I miss the weather

I miss the rush

I miss the the wet coast

I don't want to stop going to school this atmosphere outside of school is not my cup of tea. I'm getting tired of pretending that everything is great. Whenever someone asks me how it's going here I always make it seem like it was the greatest decision I ever made. And at first glance it is, but I never knew this was how it was going to go down. I can't keep holding out for something that is going to make things better. I need to act. I was never financially ready for this expedition nor was I spiritually or mentally ready for that matter.

Let's just see how this month plays out and then I will decide what I want or at least whats best for me.
I have seen many sunrises and sunsets at home, but I'm not sure how many more I can take in this place.

fear and anger

okay, so i know that I am leaving in approximately 29 days, but even though I am exponentially excited, inside I still have a crap load of fear and anger. I just don't want to admit this fear to my mother or family for that matter, because this will give them permission to try and talk me out of fulfilling my dream. This will give them leeway to put me down. And for me this only fuels me further to attain my destiny. I can't be the weak one anymore. according to my brother, he thinks I am rebelling against my mother, but this is not true. I am only zipping on my thick skin to keep me from getting hurt from any one's negativity. And the reason I feel fear is because I will be out on my own. This is not a trip where I will be back home in a couple of days, I will be there for months at a time. It WILL be hard for me, but I have to learn how to fend for myself if I ever want to survive in this wretched world. Once I am able to do this, then I know that I will be able to do anything.

And even though I have my thick skin on most of the time, this thick skin is wearing out and I don't know how much more i can take before I send everyone to Hell. This is the anger that I am speaking about, because honestly, it's getting to a point where people who aren't even my family are pissing me off, and I don't know where that is coming from. I am not bi-polar nor am I taking medication, but there are days where everything is okay and I want to say sorry to people but when I do want to do that, those very same people lash out against me. I can take hypocrisy, and I can also take ignorance. But some things I will not take are, stupidity and lies. And I will not leave California before telling these people their errors.

I put myself on the ledge for many people, but this is all changing dramatically. I will not be known as the nice girl anymore, this is how many of my problems started. I am not trying to be the attention-seeking, psychopathic, narcissistic, drama queen, like someone I know: I am simply telling everyone that I won't take any one's bullsh!t anymore. I know this blog is sounding more angry than I wanted it to sound but, I just need everyone to know this. And anyone who is feeling guilty about this is a person who knows they have done harm to me. And let me tell you this, if you are feeling guilty, well all I can tell you is that I will not be playing your game anymore and you can F*** Off! I'm done!

New Sun

I know that is has been a while since I have updated my blog. But I've been transitioning from my old life into this new one. Ever since I moved to my new "home," I have realized more things in my life. I have learned that everyone will fail you at one point in time or another. It does not matter if you have a best friend or an acquaintance, they will fail you and the only person you can rely on is yourself. I know this now, however, this does not mean I can't screw up once in a while by letting people into my life. Naturally, I am a very nice person and when someone is a happy person I feel like I can relate to that person. Okay, I used the word person too much. Anyway, if I feel that I can relate to someone then, I will accept that person, knowing that I cannot trust them. Sadly I did not have this mentality during high school, and a couple of months ago, I suffered because of this. Thankfully I actually have SOME friends that have helped me to get out of that rut and continue living. The reason why I am writing this blog is to show that person that I have moved on, and that that person should move on as well. Another revelation that I have learned is that I will not dwell on the past. I will never forget the memories but because those were some of the best memories of my life; but now that I know the truth, I cannot have a relationship with someone that hurt me astoundingly. I am not sure I can forgive you, but if it ever came down to it, I would forgive but never be associated with you again. Never in my life have I been stabbed in the back so many times by one person with the same knife. I put my life aside so that yours could be that much better. I would put my needs second so that I could see you succeed in life. but now I realize that I never got a thank you in return, but rather a slap. And it was not a slap that you see coming, but a slap that you get when someone is lurking in the dark unbeknownst to you and WHAM!, it hits so hard that not only does it hurt, but it shocks you. This is what happened to me not once but several times.

I am sorry that we never had physical closure, but I do not think that that will ever be a possibility considering what you have done. You may ask yourself what you have done, but if you do, then you are honestly the dumbest human being on the face of this earth or you are floating down the river of denial. Sadly, I know that this will not be my last run in with failed friendships.

I am done with it all. This is the last post I will make of you. All those chapters that we went through are now closed, only to be opened by my longing for good memories, but never to revive them for the future. Our chapter is now closed. Thankfully.

My sun is rising again, and it's thanks to...me actually.