Falling

I fell hard. this time I do not know what to do. I like the feeling but I do not like where it is going. It is one of those feelings where you know what is going to happen but at the same time you have absolutely no clue what is going to happen. I dream about it, but I also dread it. I will hurt someone, but probably make two people happy. You know like killing two birds with one stone? But I do not want to kill it, I want to make it right. Is what I feel morally right, or even ethical? I am stuck in a situation in which I cannot get out. I want to scream out the feeling but whisper the reason. Is that too complicated? I want it so bad but then fear that once I get it, I will not be entirely happy knowing that I got what I want. I know that makes absolutely no sense, but it does to me. It is just that I have had everything taken away from me and I feel that having this one thing will brighten up my life. I just want THAT ONE THING. I did not do what I wanted to do, I did not get what I needed, and I did not get anything to make up for my rejection. Why can I not have this one thing. Instead I get something else. I get something that is totally bizarre and uncalled for. And the reason why I get this is because KARMA hates me and I am not in anyway deserving of anything. Screw the fact that I worked my ass off in high school, or my life in general, Life is just so damn lame. I have always been the optimistic one, but today, this week, this month is not meant for me. I have fallen so deep and I do not know if I will be able to get out and make the best. I feel like I deserve a bit of pessimism in my views.I think for a while I can be pessimistic. These feelings make me feel so horrible, yet I want it so bad. I NEED it. But I have fallen.